


not stopping for lights

by andchaos



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Drug Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 08:54:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14328966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andchaos/pseuds/andchaos
Summary: "And live forever with you?"He used to dream about it. He thought he'd like to live forever, if Mac was there.





	not stopping for lights

i.

He used to dream about it, when it was late on a bad night or sometimes just when they were hanging out and he would look over at Mac mid-laugh or even when he had food in his teeth and scrapes on his cheek, and he would think about what it’s like to live forever.

He would want to, he thought, but not here – somewhere else in Philly where his uncle didn’t know where he lived, when he was grown up and he could do anything he wanted. He would want to get a place with Mac somewhere, maybe still close to his mom so he could see her whenever they wanted, but he would be willing to get flexible if Mac really wanted to live somewhere else instead. Probably near a church, or a gay bar if Mac ever came out of the closet. Charlie didn’t really think he ever would, and that was okay too.

He asked Mac one day what he thought his future would be like, how it would look. Mac scratched at one eyebrow and then passed over the joint they were sharing, flat on their backs looking up at the sky.

“I don’t know,” said Mac. “It’s not like I’m going to college, right? If Dennis doesn’t forget about me when he’s there, I’ll probably move in with him. Just until I find the right girl, I mean. We can open up that bar we’ve been talking about.” He rolled his head and looked to the side. Charlie, who had been watching him, turned back to the clouds. “What about you?”

Charlie put the joint in between his lips. He stretched his arms out high, then settled them behind his head instead and inhaled, and inhaled.

“I don’t know,” he said at last, all the smoke rushing out of his mouth at once when he opened it to speak. “Maybe I’ll live with Dee.”

Mac squinted at him, looking like he was about to ask a question. Charlie handed the joint back and talked before he could.

“Want to go to the movies later?” he asked, eyes still tracing the sky.

Mac relaxed back into the grass. He shrugged one shoulder.

“Sure.”

 

ii.

Mac lived with him after all, very briefly, twice. The first time was when Dennis and Dee were seniors at Penn and their moms finally got together and agreed that they needed to get kicked out of the house, finally. They got a small apartment near the school, but after a couple of months, Dennis convinced Mac to break their lease (Dennis split the difference) and move in with him instead. Mac didn’t hesitate.

The second time was when the two of them broke up briefly, and Mac came in and started bossing around him and Frank and Dennis didn’t stop calling. When they got back together and Mac was walking out the door, he paused and looked Charlie up and down.

“You don’t think you’re my second choice, right?” he asked in what Charlie has considered ever since to be one of the true moments of clarity and perception that Mac has ever had in his life. “You get that I’m just moving back in with him because it’s where all my stuff is, and I have my own room, and…”

Charlie just smiled and put his hand on Mac’s shoulder.

“I know, buddy. I think I like you better when you don’t live here, anyway.”

Mac grinned at him. “Good. Wanna come over and drink tonight?”

Charlie got his coat.

 

iii.

He woke up in Mac’s car once – well, not just once. He woke up a lot of times in the back of the Range Rover with Mac behind the wheel, but he very briefly had his own ride after he got fat because Dennis didn’t let him eat in his car.

And Charlie woke up in the back of it once. It was dark outside and raining, both of which he noticed immediately because the last thing he remembered was being outside the bar around noon, and the sky had still been clear.

“Where the hell are we going?” he asked.

Mac whipped around to look at him and jumped, nearly veering the car into the one in the next lane. He yelled, “Jesus Christ!” and carefully pulled the car over onto the side of the road. They got beeped at the whole time.

“What’s going on?” Charlie asked.

He noticed now that Mac had been crying. His eyes were red and his hands were shaking when they came up to touch his face. He looked younger when he was scared, almost the kid that Charlie grew up with. Charlie wished Mac never stopped growing old.

“I found you on the bathroom floor, dude. I couldn’t feel you breathing – I was taking you to the hospital.”

“Oh.” Charlie looked out the window. “I’m…I’m sorry to worry you, man, but I’m okay.”

“Well, I can see that _now_.”

Charlie swallowed. Mac wouldn’t stop looking at him, eyes boring into the side of his face.

“Don’t take me to the hospital, Mac, I can’t afford it.”

Mac swallowed. He just looked at Charlie for seconds that stretched on and on until Charlie’s heart was aching vaguely and he thought Mac might climb into the back with him and hug him.

“I’m fine,” Charlie said seriously. “I just took one too many downers, that’s all. I’m okay.”

At long last, Mac nodded.

“Okay,” he said, “okay.”

Charlie got into the passenger seat and Mac peeled back out onto the road, back towards home. Neither one of them turned on the radio and Charlie opened the window to get the rain on his face.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, buddy.” Mac said it suddenly, solemnly, and quiet. “You’re…I’ve known you my whole life.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Charlie said, not turning away from the window. “You’re stuck with me forever.”

Mac laughed, a hiccup of a sound, surprised and watery and sad.

“I know,” he said. “Just don’t kill yourself before we get there.”

Charlie said nothing. He didn’t know how good forever sounded anymore, when there were always nights like this one. Too often, there were nights like this one.

 

iv.

Charlie didn’t get mad at him for leaving during his brilliant leprechaun scheme, because if anything he liked to actively encourage Mac to embrace the part of himself he was so scared of anyone else seeing. He just didn’t see the point of asking for wishes, because wishes were stupid and they had never done him any favors, and everything in his life he had, he _only_ had because he had reached in with his bare hands and kicked and scratched it out of the dirt and built something he could use. Wishes were for idiots.

Except for the look on Mac’s face when Charlie yelled at him, when he screamed, “And live forever with _you_?” and Mac’s whole expression dropped away like he didn’t understand. He wished that he could take back that look.

Later, they brought back beer from the bar and sat on Charlie’s sofa drinking it together and not really saying anything because there was nothing to say. And out of nowhere Mac asked, “Why _don’t_ you want to live forever with me?” and Charlie looked at him and sighed.

He laid his head on Mac’s shoulder and didn’t answer, because he didn’t know the answer. He didn’t know which part he was more afraid of, immortality or having Mac.

“Is there really something that bad about me?” Mac asked. This time, his voice was quieter, softer. Broken open and sad.

“Of course not.”

“Then why?” Mac pressed. Still Charlie said nothing, and he said, “Come on, dude! What changed here?”

Charlie took his head off his shoulder and looked at him, uncomprehending.

“Nothing’s changed. Why do you think something changed?”

“Like, I don’t know – when we were kids we used to just hang out all the time. That was good, bro. Now suddenly you’re mad at me and you don’t want to see me? What’s up with that?”

“I’m not mad at you,” Charlie said. “I just don’t see what’s so great about living forever.” Mac stared at him. Charlie sighed again. “I used to think being an adult would be like, nonstop partying and…and ice cream for breakfast and candy for lunch, and sleeping in however long you wanted.”

“You do all that stuff,” Mac pointed out.

Charlie ignored him.

“And it’s just, I’m just sick of feeling like I’m still waiting for something all the time. This is everything I ever wanted, and it sucks. Why would never dying be any different? Things would just be shitty, and shitty, forever – and you’d never even get a way out.”

Mac just looked at him when he was done. Charlie felt blown out when he stopped talking, exhausted and sick; he wanted out of this conversation, this room. He just wanted to deflate and lay down on the floor.

He did, slipping off the couch and laying down on his carpet, his head near the couch and his eyes wandering the ceiling. After a moment, he heard Mac put his beer down. Then he got down and laid next to him.

They didn’t say anything. After awhile Mac shifted around and laid his head on Charlie’s stomach, and Charlie brushed his hand through Mac’s hair.

“If you don’t live forever, I don’t live forever,” Mac said.

Charlie nodded. He closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> well i sure am emo
> 
> anyways i'm on tumblr as [lesbianfreyja](http://lesbianfreyja.tumblr.com/post/172968063265/) and the title is from [yes, i was drunk by twin atlantic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUWoTzsbxOM) xo


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